On knowing
Originally Published 2-20-2012
Recently, I have been purging deadweight from my life. During my latest paperwork shredfest, a long-forgotten Myers-Briggs personality profile came to light. I endured taking that test long ago for a big, important, corporate job I held. I remember answering what seemed like an endless game of questions for the better part of a workday. The thing I remember most about the test was how many times it requested I decide what I thought other people thought and carefully fill in the oval. None of the given answer choices seemed correct, so being the person I am, I decided that I had no clue what other people actually thought inside their own heads. To be accurate, and to efficiently cross the task of test-taking off my to do list, I quickly dismissed any question that required me to decide what other people were thinking with "I don't know." In my view of the world, this was the only true and accurate response.
The thing I find interesting about the test results I received is that here, almost 30 years later, my personality profile is dead-on accurate. How could a test taken haphazardly by an impatient 20-year old be so right on?
I am an INFP. That means Introverted Feeling and Extraverted Intuition. So many people who claim to know me well dismiss that I am an introvert. Wrong. Introvert does not mean shy. Consider this: Introverts typically are drawn to their inner world, prefer to communicate in writing, work out their ideas by reflecting on them, focus in-depth on their interests, learn best by reflection and practice, are private and contained and take initiative only when a situation or issue is very important to them. OK. Check, check, check, check, check, check and check. Introverts draw their energy from within.
The way I take in information is Intuitive, and typically: they are oriented to future possibilities, are imaginative and verbally creative, they focus on patterns and meanings within data, they remember specifics in relation to a pattern, move quickly to conclusion, want clarification of both ideas and theories before they take action, and they trust inspiration. Ditto on the checks. I take in information by seeing the big picture and new possibilities. I go by what I observe.
My decision-making is based in feeling. I consider what is important to me and others. I project myself mentally into a situation to consider possible outcomes, and strive for fairness, harmony and compassion when I make important decisions. I wish to be treated fairly and rewarded fairly for what I contribute and what I have earned. I am guided by my personal values. This assessment is a proverbial No-Brainer and dead right.
My interaction with the outer world is one of Perceiving. Apparently, I seek ways to experience and understand life, rather than controlling it. I am spontaneous, flexible, casual, open-ended, adaptable, and energized when I must rely on my resourcefulness to rescue something at the last minute.
At first I thought this one was dead wrong, because I typically work like a field marshal, making both long and short term plans based in sound decisions. I want accuracy. I want a clear objective. I bristle at confusion, disorganization, forgetfulness, lack of planning, and shooting from the hip. I loathe discovering there's a new directive du jour.
Upon further examination of my own way of being however, I have decided that my actual behavior in my own space and the role I play at work are often at odds. At work, I can vacillate between being a control freak or dismissing things that do not hold my interest or offend me. I will withdraw from both people and situations when my inner value system has been violated -- unfortunate side effects of my personality type. When I am stressed, I become discouraged, critical, dismissive and judgmental. I doubt my own competence. Yep. I hate it when this happens.
Working at home every day has revealed to me just how much I am at odds with what I have to do vs. who I am. Being in my own space each and every day has fed the introvert part of my personality. After years of being knattered at and having my energy depleted in an office situation and by corporate conundrums, I have come into the power of my own space. It is glorious and makes me a more efficient creative contributor. I suddenly have so much creative energy available to me that I am shocked by my own efficiency and productivity. I am getting things done that have been festering for years, and I am able to sort crap out and ignore what is BS really, really fast now.
It is nice to know.
It’s a wonderful life
Originally Published 12-14-2011
OK. I love that movie. And I cry every year around this time when I catch it on TV in the middle of the night -- because I have insomnia or indigestion or a worry eating away at the edge of my serenity. It's not like I don't know what's coming. I see it every year. And every time, the sentiment of it does its magic on my poor heart. And you know what? It is a wonderful life.
If you are a bitter realist, prone to negativity, biting sarcasm and mean-spiritedness, stop reading now.
I am not saying I don't have bouts of those qualities myself at the end of a pay period when I have 5 bucks and no gas in the car, or in the cold night of winter when I wake up with a turmoil in my head -- its just that I am of a mind these days to stop those negative things in myself and to counterattack them with positive thoughts, deeds and feelings. Because that is my true power in this life -- to manage my own way of being.
On that note, and in the spirit of the movie, here are 15 profound things that people have said to me through the years in my personal and work life that were pivotal in making me who I am here and now. Some of them seemed totally random at the time, but luckily I have an incredible memory, and I have internalized them into the way I exist on this earth. Lives touch other lives. Read them. Laugh about them. Maybe they will help you too.
1. "Helen, don't hammer like a girl -- and get that damn nail out of your mouth!" -- my Dad, who I miss every day.
2. "Oh, honey, you are beautiful no matter what those mean girls say. They are ugly inside -- and one day, they will be ugly outside too -- and you will still be beautiful." -- from my beautiful mother, who left this place too soon.
3. "Helen, you don't need a metals degree. Are you crazy? You have been earning a living with your art for 20 years. Why do you need another piece of paper that shows you know what you already know how to do?" -- Sara Olson, my CE metals teacher.
4. "Those are the words of a poet. Only poets notice things like that. Why don't you try to write more?" -- Kitta MacPherson, science editor at the Newark Star Ledger.
5. "Oh, don't give that free rent in your brain!" -- my dear friend Pat Wood, who left this world too soon.
6. "Holy crap, mom! Are you sure you know what the hell you're doing?" -- my son Kyle, who reluctantly helped me -- as we discovered that yes, I do know how to put together and fire up an acetylene torch.
7. "It's just a piece of metal." -- Jim Dailing, my stone setting instructor at Peter's Valley Craft Center.
8. "Helen -- you give everything, everything to a job. But it won't ever give back. And here you are -- in anguish. Stop. Your gifts as an artist are for you. You are not obligated to give them to the job. Just work here. Keep what is yours." -- George Frederick, a great art director who can paint like hell.
9. "You really have no idea how wonderful you are, do you?" -- my closest metalhead friend Lexi Erickson
10. "My beautiful Helencita, do not worry over that. They are just those little things of the life. Do not worry over that. We have only one life. Everything es todo bien." -- Jaimito Carvajal
11. "Oh stop. It's not like you have to wear a bikini on the cover of the magazine!" -- Linda Ligon, founder of Interweave Press, dismissing my discomfort over appearing in an instructional DVD.
12. "Try to find an environment where you can manifest who you truly are." -- Albert Paley, CoMA Conference, 2010
13. "Insight comes when the mind is not in charge." -- Michael Good, in a metals workshop, Denver, 2010
14. "Art for me is the product of the creative process. That product can be ugly, beautiful, it can be conceptual or a narrative, or evoke an emotion. So, what is art? The first time you do something, it is art. The second time, it is work." -- Michael Boyd, my best brother -- who isn't.
15. "Oh stop worrying about making art. We're getting paid, right?" -- Andre Malok, a brilliantly talented illustrator.
Have a wonderful day.
Staying on course
Originally Published 12-13-2011
I have been insanely busy over the past few months navigating through an office move, several extracurricular projects, a very full workload, a new and wonderfully fulfilling relationship, and some home improvement thrown in for entertainment. But I haven't been so busy that I have failed to notice a disturbing level of negativity, blaming and stubbornness all around me -- particularly in the arenas of business and work.
It is incredible how many times in the past few weeks I have hit a wall someone has built around themselves because they have focused all of their energy outward to prevent whatever it is they are trying to prevent from happening. It's hard not to get sucked into it -- especially when it seems that the force of the circling negativity threatens to pull everything down and in.
Believe me, I am not perfect -- I often wake in the night fearing we are all going to hell in a hand basket. I am super-efficient and prone to dismissing what isn't working well by just letting a bridge completely burn to the ground because it seems like too much effort to stop it.
I made a pact with myself earlier this year to accept and embrace that the only thing that is really in my power is the ability to manage myself in space and time. I can't fix other people. I can't make someone else fix themselves. I can't change another persons way of being or replace what they are missing in their own heart, mind or soul -- that is their own life's work.
So, how do I fight it? How can I help somebody who needs help? How do I do battle with the negativity monster without losing myself in the war?
Every day, I thank whatever is out there for giving me this life. I pet my cats and tell my loved ones they matter to me. I thank myself for getting my lazy butt into the gym and doing some cardio, and for topping it off with a healthy meal. And, I am thankful and extremely grateful I have skills and the talent to provide me with a means to support myself in the current economic climate. I am grateful that I am mentally and physically able to work very hard and even do extra work to stay afloat in the churning storm. And, I fervently hope and believe in my heart that calm will come again.
Yes, I am grateful for this life, because I have seen what it might have been if circumstances were different when I was born. I try not to blame, even though the temptation is great. Instead of blaming, I repeat my mantra: " All I can do is manage myself in space and time." And then, I act on that mantra and manage to find a way in myself to turn negativity around and find something to be thankful for in whatever vexing thing is in front of me. When someone close to me gets sucked into negativity, I try to steer myself clear of their spinning, and then point out a direction they might navigate toward -- to change negative thoughts they are locked into. I accept those things I have no power to change, and instead work toward keeping myself and my ideals intact in the face of it.
Try to find the good. Focus on that good and keep going. Help others to see the good. And be grateful for it.
It started with the hammer
Originally Published 9-7-2011
Those protruding nails on the front porch started it. I was tired of catching the sole of my shoe on the same nails over and over again. So I grabbed my trusty carpenter's hammer and whacked the crap out of the entire line of them. That run of nails along the one floor joist had worked their way up and out of the deck over the years -- like a line of shark's teeth lying in wait for an unsuspecting foot or shoe to attack -- with rusty vengeance.
So, I went down the line, boom, boom, boom, nail after terrible nail. And somehow, the act of hammering down those evil nail demons pulled me up and out of the well of introspection that I have been inside of for a few weeks. The simple joy of the strike and the boom made me wake up and look out instead of in. My arm and my body remembered the feeling of the hammering and the comfort of that effort. I saw the hammer head drive the nails down into the wood one by one in incredible super slow-mo. And it made me want to go back to my empty studio again. And it made me really want to work instead of just going through the motion of work.
I hammered metal all day yesterday and today I am back. I am home again after the long journey in. Change does that. My mind was doing battle with a terrible thing, and the war has finally ended. I have emerged. I am OK. And now I know what I am going to do. I know how I am going to be. I know I can't make everybody happy no matter how hard I try. So, I am going to start with me, and I have given myself permission -- really, really -- to disappoint people who have unrealistic expectations of me that I do not wish to fulfill. I will no longer give away energy and time to people who have none of their own and only take mine. Sorry.
So now, back to the hammer. The project on my bench and the anvil are waiting. you do your work and make your own way in the world, just like I am. You work, and I'll work. I'll share with you when I can spare the extra energy. If you play nice and share too.
Today's tip: I have custom ground several Delrin forming hanmmers to match the profile of my steel forming hammers, so I have the option to either gently move or aggressively move sheet in the same bay of my raising stake. Sweet!
The demand to “GO!”
Originally Published 8-31-2011
I have never understood where or how the driving need to "GO!" rises up and makes itself known to me.
When I say "GO!", I mean go away at the same time that I am here. My mind and feelings are far, but I am right here next to everything, doing the same crap I do all the time. Going is a feeling or a thought or some other thing of the human condition -- but the urgency to GO! sometimes consumes me with the same intensity as hunger or thirst. It is instinctual and rises out of the middle of my body and I can't think of anything else. I can't do anything else. I am powerless in the face of it and I know I will be damaged somehow deep in my soul if I do not GO!. It is like nothing else. And it will not be denied. I am a shell of this person you thought you knew and standing right here next to you, but I am not here, really. It just looks that way.
This is a source of tension and conflict for me. Because of the obligations. Accomplished people like me have many obligations, and people relying on them. Some obligations bring me comfort and joy -- for the most part. Except when the need to GO! comes to consume me. Then, those obligations cause me to become angry and resentful. I push them away, sometimes with violent force. I get crabby. I ignore the phone. I blow off my friends. I don't rehearse the choreography. I become terse and sarcastic when interrupted. I eat crap and I don't go to the gym -- because I will die inside if I am not left alone to deal with the elusive thing that is calling me like a siren. I isolate myself from everyone and even become self destructive in an effort to escape the demands of obligation, routine, boredom and predictable mediocrity -- and I GO! to examine the thing that dances there on the periphery. I have no choice.
I can be difficult, arrogant and aloof. I know I disappoint people and I know I make them angry, too -- that is a price I pay, and I pay it often. But I cannot lay down and die inside just to meet the needs of somebody else when it is time to GO!.
I've learned not to make an effort to keep casual friends because I know it takes an unusually strong person to stick with me and I can't bear dealing with disappointed people when they discover that I am there and then not there with equal intensity. Sometimes they stay, sometimes not.
The up side is that the few who hang with me through the tempest will be rewarded when I come back from following the siren song. I will be there for them stronger and better than ever, because I had to Go to keep my soul alive. In the meantime, I am sorry for the lack of emails and phone calls, dirty laundry, blown deadlines, cat hair on the stairs, weeds in the garden, forgotten appointments, unpaid bills, empty pantry, lack of kibble and crappy dinner. I don't really care about those things right now, but I promise I will be back again soon.
Please wait for me, because I had to GO! . . .